Ghost Story
Today is the shortest day of the year. Happy Solstice.
Thank god, because the days seem to be 2 hours long, and those 2 hours seem to be spent at work.
. . .
I'm not sure if I ever flat out said that my mom and sister have been gone for a month. Well. They have, and they came home yesterday for the duration. Duration being until December 30th, upon which day they will be moving to Kansas to be with my mom's fiance and his family. Mom's getting married on Janurary 3rd in Missouri of all places, her third wedding, and I will not be there. That makes me kind of sad, but there's just no way I can go. So instead of feeling badly, I'm just going to be happy that everything is working out for her. She got a job already, and the house is pretty much taken care of. So yay mom. You deserve it.
. . .
Mean while, my brother is buying a house in Placerville, California, about 20 minutes away from where I went to high school. It's a town I've always loved, and even thought about moving to a couple of times. It's cute, or it was, and it's 10 minutes away from the river and Coloma, which will always be my first love.
The house is apparently downtown, and is a duplex. Very large parts of me want to move in there with my brother. I just adore him, and I miss him a lot.
My brother and his girlfriend are planning on fixing it up, I guess it's a bit beat up. The funniest part about that is my brother and I have always talked about doing that, me doing the little stuff, picking paint, my brother doing the big stuff. This Old House, Ryan and Carie style.
Placerville is a strong candidate for Plan A.
. . .
I was doing really well yesterday, and I've slipped a bit today. It's easier to ignore how lonely I am when I'm alone. I had nothing to compare my behavior to, and now I've got my mom who is running around full of Christmas carols and excitement about her new life.
I guess there had to be a time where my bubble would burst, I had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. I can chalk this up to the full moon and hormones.
. . .
I have all of these plans laying around. Making decisions, now that I know how heavy the implications are, has become difficult. I feel like I'm passing out a judgement on the rest of my life, and to a certain degree that's true. I don't want any more hard times, I think I've been through my fair share in recent years. That's really the hang up, looking for the easiest transition. I know, through experience, that what ever I choose is the next turn in the road to a new chapter. I'm hesitating, and reconsidering. Every detail.
. . .
Last night at dinner, I was trying to make a game plan to get to you. I was running stuff by my mom, even all of the secret plans I keep in my back pocket. I wish that someday I'll have better timing, and I will be able to need to do something without sacrificing other things.
Sadly, I'm pushing ideas out to make room for flights, and I'm thinking about how I would feel if you came to visit and I didn't have a couch.
My mom just knows me too well, before I even think it she says, "You could move there." But I can't. I don't want to, because it would mean moving again. I would be heart broken if it didn't work, and if it did work, you shouldn't stay.
I'm all turned around. The only thing I can think of to do is see you, and that's it. I can't think of anything else, and I need to. I need to go through with what ever I want to do, without you. But, it makes me so sad to think of the inevitable future minus you.
What moves the earth around the sun?
What could I do but run and run and run?
Afraid to love, afraid to fail
A mast without a sail
The moon's a fingernail
And slowly sinking
Another day begins
And now I'm thinking
That this is indifference
Was my invention
When everything I did
Sought your attention