In a box of winter
3.25.2000
Carie -
I want to begin this letter by saying that I love you. I love you for the things I see in you that I wish I would allow myself to be. I love you for the way you bring certain things out of me, even if I don't enjoy every emotion you stir in me... I still love you for it. I write this because I am sorry... so sorry for many things. I am sorry I can't jump with both feet. I am unable to resolve all of my issues quickly and I am sorry for that. I am sorry I cannot allow myself the happiness and freedom I seek, and that is to be with you right now. I am sorry for my inability to make you truly understand what it is I am going through. I haven't been this far down since you left for England, but this time is even worse. Then, I knew you were coming back.
In my well of sorrow, I have come to a couple of realizations. One, I am having a problem allowing myself what I want because I took something from Carrie, so, subconsciously, I am taking something from me. But the much larger realization is this... I trully do not like myself. In fact, I hate me. So I continually deny myself what I want as some sort of sick punishment. I see true happiness as something I do not deserve. I know how fucked up I am right now (well, almost always), and I am sorry you must suffer due to my shit.
I see nothing that makes more sense in this fucked up world than you and I. There is no better ft. This I know!! I hope that one day I will allow myself true happiness, and I hope I will know where you are when I do. Every cup of coffee, every beach, every clove, everything hip and everything Colorado reminds me of you. I do not think of you often, I think of you constantly.
- Please forgive me
- I'm sorry
- I love you
Love,
Bobby