Invisible Monsters
Remember, remember the fifth of November.
It's that wonderful time of the year where my life does hand stands, and things get really fucked up and messy. November makes me want to go to a cabin for 30 days and bury myself in pages of other people's lives. Time has run out on me.
In five days I'll have my first visitor.
In two days my mother will turn 45.
In seven days I will not celebrate three years of marriage.
i've got a sadness
that grows up around me like a weed
I'm not such a tragic case of lost life, or estrangement.
I did not sit at home in my sweatpants on Friday. I went out to be disappointed in everything. It's not that I didn't have fun, it's that it's always such a blow to my self esteem. But, I did see a guy that looked exactly like Dave Matthews and a super cute guy with pierced nipples, Pony Boy, as dubbed by DJ I-Will-Not-Play-Underworld-Cause-I'm-A-Big-Pussy-Mother-Fucker.
This is not a good place to be young, but it does a lovely job of making me feel twice my age.
and i'm not hurting anyone
i'm just spiraling in
I've been in some kind of hormonal funk, or a bath of self pity. I don't feel like doing anything, ever, ever again. These are the times I start looking at objects and wondering how to use them to my demise.
I spend a lot of money on nothing when this happens. I buy post-its, pens, candles, towels, facial masks, anything with a pretty package. If I know I'm doing this to fill some hole in myself, I can't figure out why I can't stop.
as she closes her eyes
and hears the song begin again
I don't get nervous anymore. My brain has already worked out every possible ending to everything. I can see clearly each road, and which city it runs to. I have a private meeting with my manager expecting the worst, that I'm not going to be fired. I'll go to the airport expecting the worst, that I'll see what I've secretly been waiting for. I drive my car on sheer ice, drunk, expecting the worst, that I'll arrive home safely.
they try to hold the lid down tightly
and they try to shake well
There are more people who live their life like I do than I feel comfortable with.
I've been reading too much Chuck Palahniuk, it's fucking with my brain. If you've read any of his work, you start to notice that the stories pass through Montana.
Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.
Look at me. I'm on the path to self enlightenment, and all I had to do was fuck up.
but the oil and the water
just want to separate themselves