Lines That I Couldn't Change.
Drifting.
I can't hang on to a thought and ride it all the way down.
I've started and stopped about five entries, and I don't know if it's because I'm just so overwhelmed, or if it's this fucking cold.
Now is possibly the worst time for me to be sick. I have so much to do, so much to think about. Taking these 3 days to do nothing was really something I cannot afford, even being the procrastination queen, I know that I cannot put everything off until the last minute. I want to, that's the thing. It's my MO to wait until I have no choice but to do one thing. That way, I can pass responsiblity onto something else, some outside force. The last thing I want is to be responsible for this life I have now.
The idea that I've created this hell is beyond me, but it's the truth. I've made all of the decisions, directly or as an effect of another decision. I've created even the smallest details of here. I'm not sure I can fix my life in this place.
That's my snag. I'm chosing not to run away because that's what I've done my whole life. The simple decision would be to move to Kansas with my mom. Easy. Ride on her coat tails. There's always home in California, there's always all of my relatives who would love to have me. My brother and I have always been looked at with a kind of wonder, not because of any grand acheivement, but because we haven't sold out* entirely.
I just flat out can't. I hate that I see where my mistakes were made in the past, and I hate that I'm not dumb enough to repeat them off into infinity.
I run away. That's what I do, and what I'm good at. I've never been good at looking at my life, finding the problems and resolving them. I've always just eliminated all sources of irritation by cutting everything out completely. Can't get out of a relationship? Move to a different state. Can't get over an old boyfriend? Move to a different state. Can't figure out what to do with the rest of your life? Move to different state.
I don't really have external problems any more, exception being my job, but even that would be okay if I could find it in myself to be more gracious. If I could find more patience and a little more motivation, I could be not unhappy with it. I know that right now that's all I can ask for. Montana doesn't have room for work that would push my brain and make me think.
. . .
I'm happy with the progress I've made on myself, even if my self esteem has taken a major dive, to the point of me not really caring about what I look like. I've learned that it really is what's on the inside that matters, and I've done some major renovations. I've learned to be by myself. I've let go of all of the clingy girlfriend stuff I had before, the jealousy problems. I think I've figured out what a healthy relationship should be, and that's important if I'm ever going to look for one. I know that I can never have another customer service job ever again. I've learned to respect my mother in an entirely new light, and it's been nice to see her be a mother to someone other than myself. A different mother because she's learned a lot in the 19 years between my sister and I. And my sister... well, she's absolutely rotten to the core, but she's a good girl. God help her though, because she's going to be exactly like my mom. I know that I'm really not ready to have children, not for a while. But, I also know that I do want to have children, which is important because 2 years ago, I couldn't have said that.
When I stop to think about all of the things I have yet to learn, I get nervous. Eight years ago, when I was 18, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do with my life. I never did figure it out. That's the real question I have in front of me, because I know it's time to change. I know that this year I've spent doing nothing has been down time, like the last three days I've been sick. It's just time I guess I needed to sort shit out.
I wish I had come out of Colorado or San Francisco with this much gained, but I can't think of a single thing I brought with me that I can apply to my life. It must have been just time spent on molding myself into the person I am now. The things I find funny, the music I listen to, the things I say just a result of college and my first real job.
. . .
All of this to come to the conclusion that I still don't know how. That's what's stopping me, I don't even know where to start.
How do you get a job taking pictures? How do you get people to buy paintings? How do I support myself so that I can do all of the things that make my life worth living without draining me to the point of exhaustion? Is this really all there is? Working a shit job to paint in my basement? Living alone and eating Ramen? Masturbation as ritual?
There's got to be more than this. There's got to be more than a boyfriend and a movie on Friday night. More than internet porn, more than spare pillows, more than telling my cat I love him, more than the only ounce of happiness I can gather comes from my discman.
I'm not going to settle for this.