d*land

In Closing.

Yes. I hate today. I've hated every single second since I've been awake.

I hate it's implications. I hate it's finality. I hate it's very being, right down to its core.

I hate the expectations that next year will be better, because nothing changes from 6:03 pm 12/31/02 to 12:03 am 01/01/03.

I guess I could decide I will change. I could decide to change my life and how I feel about it. I could wipe the slate clean, for our sake. I could start packing tomorrow. I could pretend that everything is reserved for me.

I'm not doing anything tonight, not like I thought. I'm doing the exact opposite of what I did last year. Sitting at home with myself, because I don't think I would make very good company.

I'm going to try not to think of last New Year's Eve. I'm going to try not to think of how many times I've been hurt this year. I'm going to try not to think about you.

Last year, someone actually held me as I fell sleep. My eyes were half closed, he was brushing the hair back off of my face, and as he leaned in to kiss my forehead, I asked him, "Is this what it's supposed to be like?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you supposed to be held like this afterwards?"
"Carie, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard."
"Is this normal?"
"It's my definition of normal."
"Can I have it? Because I like it."
"Yes. You can have it, too."

I did for three months, and I almost feel like he stayed with me out of pity.


The most important thing I've learned this year was that my definitions of love needed to be redefined.

In the formula I had, there wasn't nearly enough respect, for me or anyone else.

Also, the formula was just that: A Formula. Not subject to change. Only constants, without variables. Too extreme.

Now it just is. It is what ever it feels like, and if it feels like love, than I'll be fucking damned if I'm going to call it something else.

There is a lot more forgiving. Less patience. More understanding. Less compromising. More acceptance.

I love you, even if you don't love me. But, I'm not going to wait around for you. I can live with this because this is the way it is. I understand that you don't have to feel the same way. And, I forgive you for giving me up, because I know you can't give me what I need.


Where ever you are, that's where you are.

I'm not there, but I wish I was.

...I'm starting to think about you a little too much.


I've promised someone I have a crush on that I'm going to try not to die in the next five hours. I've also been informed by powers beyond me that I have lots to do next year, and that I don't really have a choice in the matter.

Even so, when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be amazed.

See you on the other side...

Good Night.

12.31.02 || 6:03 pm

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