I Can't Hold It Much Longer.
Yeah, Ben Harper's Sexual Healing is nice. Still, the best cover I've ever heard was Maxwell doing Closer, or even Sting doing Come Down In Time, or The Bed's Too Big Without You. Personally, I prefer his version to the original.
There's just too much music to listen to, I can't believe I've gone this long never having listened to this man. It's sad. But, I have corrected this oversight.
I don't usually put a lot of faith into New Year's day. I like the Chinese New Year celebrations better, and I feel like everyone's new year should start on their birthday. This year is different because it's the end to so much. Too many things happened just now to discount it as a starting over time. If I could leave for California today, I would, to make it all even. It's coming soon enough.
A couple of people worried I wouldn't update when I leave, though I'm sure there are people that wish I would stop, I'm not going to. More than likely, there will be less of them. Hopefully, they will go back to being humorous. I'll have more material to work with when I get there, as my dad is a classic clown, as is my brother. My grandmother... well... she's granny, and I can't imagine nothing funny will happen.
I think I've overcome the hump here in the house. There's a time when I feel lonely, then when I get over it, it's easy going. The worst of it was last night, I think, I hope.
There is a lot of peace that comes when your body finally agrees with your mind, and you just know you've got to go. Finally, everything agrees. Every part of me knows it's time. The difference here is that I'm making the choice, without pressure, and it is the most lovely feeling ever. It's not complete control, it's a feeling that I'm doing the right thing.
There have been times when things felt right, but never huge life changes. Things always work out the way they're supposed to. And, it's impossible for me to figure out why everything happened last year. Impossible. Sure, I can draw some conclusions, some guesses, but sometimes it takes years for everything to come together.
Last night, I thought a lot about Bobby, and the huge why's that come with him. I tried to imagine running into him, because here I can't, but in California with my luck, I can pretty much put my money on it. I can say now that if I saw him, I would not flip out. I considered sending him an email, and decided against it. He'll find out through other channels. I see clearly my purpose in his life, and that since I've given him that, my part is over.
There's still a small piece of resentment, but it's fueled by my feeling that he's quite possibly the world's dumbest man for leaving me.
I know that I don't want the kind of relationship we had exactly, but something with some changes would be worth it. For all of the fights and insecurities, we were a comedy routine with incredible sexual chemistry. He was my best friend, and I've always been a sucker for a genuine smile. He had a way of calming me down, just by being around. He used to call me Killer, and maybe I should have taken that as a sign.
There is life after him. Thank God. I know that now, and that's a recent lesson. I think now that it's important to find someone who has the same energy as yourself. Someone calm isn't able to deal with the stuff I throw out. Someone needy feeds off of me until I feel smothered. Someone too high makes me feel slow, and dumb.
Today I feel lighter, because all of the dates have now passed. Every day that changed my life is gone. All of the mile markers happened last year, every three years happened three years ago. I feel when I get to California, I can really start over. I can start over with my dad, and that makes me happier than most things. I can start a new job, find a new place to live. My birthday is going to come, and I'm going to be happy about it, because 27 is an important year. Three cubed, can't brush that under the rug.
I guess this is what some people call a new lease on life. I'm just going to call it 'It's About Fucking Time'.