Claiming These Streets For Myself.
Nothing is free. Nothing comes without strings, or but's, or what if's. And it feels like I have to keep making the same decisions over and over, and maybe I am. So why does this one have me running it through?
The last two major things to happen to me have been exact replicas of previous life experiences, or very close to them. Without blinking, I have made good decisions, mature decisions, saving myself and another person endless grief. Operating strictly on instinct, my gut reaction said No, and I followed it. I feel differently today, not mourning, but being proud. Thank you for the opportunity to prove myself wrong, and to finally do something right.
But why is this different? Why do I feel like I've been cheated an opportunity? I didn't even have a chance to speak, nothing came out of my mouth, but when you saw my lips start to part, you put a finger to them.
My instincts are not kicking in on this, even though I put myself in this exact situation eight months ago. Nearly word for word, you gave me exactly what I was given before. And naturally, I think your motivations are the same as his. Really, how am I to know this isn't the same? It sure feels like it.
And, I don't know you well. Not enough to say where you are, or what you're doing at any given moment. I don't know what your favorite color is, or if you like apple juice. I don't know what kind of shoes you wear or if you shave every day. I didn't know any of these things before, either.
Her words ring. He said, Carie. I fucked her over.
Now that I've picked this up and turned it around, it is the same, except your motivations could be different. Certainly, because the 8 years between the two of you could account for what I can't explain away. And sometimes, you both have that same honey voice, and sometimes I act the same because of you.
I'm thinking the same things. The very same things I thought for weeks before I got on that plane. I'm just going to have fun. Only fun. Nothing more. It just can't happen. No fucking. The whole while holding out hope for something that was impossible to have. I don't want another time where someone can't come up to bat, where someone just will not allow themselves the chance. I've never said this here, but I've always felt that it could have worked the last time. I still do, but I could never ever trust that way I should be able to, and that's why I had to let it go.
I don't ever want to feel that let down again. I don't ever want that disappointment following me, and everyone asking what happened, and me struggling to come up with an excuse for you. Yes. Another one. Another one didn't want me.
I have to face the fact that you will let me down. I have to look at it, turn it away, or invite it in. I have to decide if a weekend is worth it. If seeing it for what it is, because I know, and this would be only so you can see, if I could look it in the eye and watch it walk away. I have to weigh what kind of blow to my self esteem this will be. I have to remember the last time I felt a whisper in my ear, and what it did to me. I have to know that this may be the only part you play in my life.
And I don't know. I don't know if I want to know any more. I don't know that my arrogance can save me from inevitable heart break.
It's harder to live with knowledge than to walk around in ignorance. Now, I try to decide, knowing that I could just be throwing myself on the fire. Again.
All I wanted was the time to see without the strings, and conditions. I wanted you to draw conclusions based on me that would lead you to some discovery. Not the same theory on repeat. Not the same baggage, and the same boxes, with the same tags, and the same leash. I wanted you to be open to things that could happen, and opportunities and changes. I wanted you to feel safe enough to go, free enough to leave it behind.
It's too much to ask, I guess. I always ask for too much.