d*land

I hope you understand.

I wanted to tell you that I threw you away today. Every little thing I have been hanging on to is sitting in a garbage bag next to the front door. All of the cards, all of the letters in which you tried to explain the same thing to me, over and over. The brown paper bag you used as wrapping paper one Christmas, the birthday card with the crazy lady on the front, the letter that got wet.

I found your picture, in with the rest, and I just can't throw it out. If I lose that again, I'll never remember what you look like and it's hard enough to picture your smile.


I wanted to tell you I found our marriage certificate today. I found the pictures we took near the warf, and the pictures of our wedding rings we bought on Haight, and the tattoos. For the first time, I saw how sad you were, sitting there digging into a pack of Camels. I saw a smile on my face I've never seen before, like a
Take-The-Goddamn-Picture, but worse.

I can still see the scars on your wrists, and I can still remember I could never save you.


I wanted to tell you I found the emails you sent me. The ones where we talked about why we never met, how our paths crossed so many times in San Francisco, how you felt like there were possibilities. You wrote to me about meeting at a bar on the corner of Polk and Geary, the same bar Ash and I went to to play pool. The time we almost bumped into each other where the trolly cars change, the time I gave you my work number, but you never called.

Funny, you never mentioned the girl in the hospital in New Orleans you were waiting for.


I wanted to tell you I found all of the conversations we had. Saved. I found all of the times you told me you wanted to be with me, but that I should wait. The time you told me hearing my voice hurt you, the time when you said that was the best day of your life.


I wanted to tell you I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything I've said here that I couldn't say to you. I'm sorry for always flipping out, for the times I've screamed at you in the car, for the times I disappeared and you couldn't find me.

I'm sorry for wanting too much. I'm sorry I can't accept this parting gift and be happy with second place. I'm sorry I called you an asshole, so many, many times.

I'm sorry for every awful thing that everyone has ever done to you, including all of the things I could never bring myself to do. I'm sorry for everything that makes you doubt, and wonder. I'm sorry you don't have anything you hold sacred. I'm sorry that so many people have turned their backs, so many people have walked away, and moved on.

I'm sorry you can't trust me. I'm sorry you don't think you're enough.

I'm so goddamn sorry, I could fill the whole house until it ran out into the street. But it's not enough sorry to ever reach you. I'm sorry it's not enough.

Forgive me.

01.06.03 || 12:57 pm

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