This lonely spiral I've been in.
Slacking off on the angst, heavy on the self loathing and anger.
Sometimes you've got to get back to your roots, you know? Dig back into everything that made you who you are, and I can safely say that most of my life has been spent angry. And the rest has been spent hating myself.
It's far too easy to slip back into my old skin, where even the smallest things send me into a frenzy of pure hate. Where I don't care about what I look like, in the slightest. Make-up being a huge hassle, and doing my hair is nearly an impossible effort. Clothes? What ever is loose and comfortable. I guess I've just lost any desire to try to impress anyone from point A, my house, to point B, work.
I hope this changes when I move, though if someone could put up with what I look like at this very instant, or not even put up with... Jesus. I don't know. And, I really can't care.
.. .. ..
I'll hopefully meet someone that has never laid eyes on me, and I'm incredibly nervous about it. It's stupid really, with the number of people I've met from online, and not one of them thinking I was disgusting... or at least doing a really good job of lying about it.
Still, once you enter into some kind of relationship with someone, regardless of its nature, it comes with expectations. Honestly, I'm afraid of those expectations. That's why I bash myself so much here, to the point of beating a dead horse. I want him to expect the Elephant Man, in woman form to greet him at the airport so I don't let him down.
Deep down, I know I'm not ugly. I don't think I'm beautiful, but I know I'm not disgusting. (Stop right there... don't comment on that)
As if the way I look wasn't enough, there's the whole energy thing to worry about, because some people just make you nervous, on edge. But, I've been assured I don't have nervous energy pouring off of me. I'm stressing less about that.
I just want it to be easy. I just want to fall into it, let it go, and not get caught up in things like worrying about my shoes, or my hair, or my lipstick.
I'm all over the place on everything. I can't be bothered to straighten myself out.