d*land

Frankie Miller Goes To Hollywood.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S TUESDAY!

. . .

Even through all of this disappointment, and all of the let downs that have been happening. This week, last week, I'm happy today! I am!

I feel almost good, good enough to say Okay. I'm excited. I'm moving the fuck out of here! I have a visitor on Friday!

I get to start over, and I had nearly missed the entire point. I was so busy putting my head back under the covers I forgot all of the really neat things that I get to do in EIGHT DAYS!

I don't know many people that get the opportunity to move back home to start over, and maybe some people think it's pathetic, or steps back, but I can't look at it like that. I have to stop myself and say, "You know, Carie? This is your chance to do it all right." Going back home gives me more than I could ever give myself. In my heart, I'm always going to be a California girl. Forever and ever. Pretending to be something else is just that. Pretending.

There's something about the place you were born that just brings it all back when you've been away from it for too long. And the ocean! God. It's been too long since I've seen the ocean.

I haven't seen my dad, or my brother, or my grandma in over 2 years. Or any of my aunts and uncles. Longer for any of my cousins, the guys I spent every Easter with playing baseball in the back yard in my good dress.

I know I can't go back 16 years, but goddamn it if I'm not going to let myself feel 10 for at least a couple of days. I'm going to the ice cream parlor down the street from my grade school, and I'm going to have LEMON CHIFFON FUCKING ICE CREAM! And then? I'm going to go to San Francisco, and I'm going to run as fast as I can down Market. I'm going to get coffee in Berkeley, I'm going to buy flowers downtown.

All of my old friends? Fuck 'em. I'm starting over. They wouldn't recognize me anyway.

There's snow falling, and I don't care, because it's going to be the last time I'll have to deal with snow ever. EVER. I'm going to run over my snow brush a bazillion times when I cross into California. I'm going to get out of the car, and I'm going to kiss the ground.

Friday is going to come soon. And I'll walk out of that hell hole office building for the last time. Scan my badge for the last time. Walk down the walk way to my car for the last time. And not for one second am I going to look back.

And then he'll be here! And it will be complete chaos! Talking talking talking. Goofing off, and yelling. And sleeping. And fun. And having to listen to music I've never heard, and video games! And touching. And no hot water, and the smell of guy. And when I see him, the biggest smile is going to take over my face, and I don't want it to go away. I want to keep it there all the way into my new bedroom.

Have I told you that I'm happy today? Because I mean it.

I been thinking I'd like to see
Your eyes open up real wide
The minute that you see me

01.14.03 || 11:34 am

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