Empty Prayers.
I woke him up this morning with my singing. He woke me up so many times kissing me, that I lost count.
I tried so hard not to cry at the airport, because he said, "This is not for forever." I tried to make the last time he saw my face a time when I was smiling, but I just couldn't. Just how I can't smile now, and I'm afraid I'm just not strong enough to make it without tears streaming down my face. I can't stop missing him right now, and just that he's not here, and he's not a phone call away.
I'm trying to stop from hoping that I'll hear a knock on the door, and it will be him, having changed his mind, having time to think without me in the next room. I know it was too much, and I know I said it too soon, and I know how weird that is for some people. I know that you're not supposed to jump the gun with those words, but the feelings I have just flood me, and they have no where to go. I'm trying to tell myself it was the brave thing to do, to say it and know I wouldn't hear it.
This time is different, because I needed to know. I needed to know him, and see him, and fall asleep the way you're supposed to. I needed someone to do the kind things no one has done for me, I needed the thoughtful, I needed it. And now, I have to convince myself I don't need him, I need to convince myself this is a very powerful wish, a very powerful want.
Through all of this, there were more tears than I thought there would be. Today was mostly crying and explaining. I was so afraid he didn't want to see me again, that all of the affection was just how he was, and every moment I thought I could just die was of my imagination.
Each minute that ticks by, and each cigarette that I smoke, and every time this song starts over again, he gets further away. The chances of him coming back shrink, and I want the goddamn movie. I want it. I want him to come back, I want another night and another kiss, and another time where his hands find the back of my neck. I want one more goddamn laugh. I want the crying to stop. I want something to fucking work out for me. Because I knew. I knew when I saw his face, and he held me hard because we were both so nervous.
And after this wait is over, I have to wait through his connection in Denver, because I told him I would drive the eight hours to get him. And then I'm going to wait all night. I'll keep my vigil, without the candles and just the crying. I know this isn't forever, but it feels like it. It feels worse.
There's no way I can make him understand how I feel. There's no way I could have convinced him to stay. I feel so powerless. You can only open the door so much, and you have no control over the choice that someone else makes. You can't force someone to meet you at the place you are. You can't dismiss their fear, or their hesitations. You can't convince them that this chance may never come again. You can't ask them to face everything or to live their life the way you have. You can't give them your faith in the world, your faith in them. It's all mine, and it's too much for me to explain.
You can't make someone else love you. You wouldn't want to.
. . .
I miss you so much that I hope to God that you never, ever have to feel this. I'm praying right now that you don't feel like this. I'm hoping you're on that plane smiling, and I'm hoping you keep smiling because we both don't have to hurt. I'm going to hurt enough for both of us. So, baby, please. Just smile for me so I know you're smiling.
And please, God... make this easier. Make this easier. Please. Please.
Tonight I'm just going to remember. Those seconds in the dark, and seeing you smile in the light that came in through the window from the moon. I'll hold your shirt next to me, and pray the phone rings.