As their shoes fill up with water.
It's still snowing. And the more it snows, the more I'm reminded I'm not going any where any time soon. That fact has stopped pissing me off, because it allows for all of this time to do nothing. And nothing is really what I need to do. Breathe in the nothing.
I always feel badly after I go off here. When I really lose all self control, and just let it fly. It reads like I'm crazy, huh? What's funny is that anyone who read me before knows this is how I react, and soon, the more mature pieces of me win out, and I end up just feeling defeated again. I believe the phrase I turned before was "Go back under the covers to lick my wounds."
I've been apologizing for things I have no right to feel sorry for, things I really shouldn't be sorry for. This is one of those times, where I feel I should say I'm sorry. I'm not going to, but I want to.
The most frustrating piece of this is that there's no way I can do anything. It's the most difficult piece of a relationship for me, because I'm a control freak. Things don't go my way, I flip out. And last night, I realized that we're just different. He can never understand the how and why of my feelings, just as I can never understand the how and why of his feelings. Not until, or if, we ever end up in the same place.
Right now, I have to give up control. I have to let what ever is going to happen to happen, without sticking my fingers in it. I've got to leave him alone about all of this. His voice gets all quiet when we talk about it on the phone, and now I can see his face, and now I know this is the time he would reach over and run his fingers on my hand.
. . .
All of that said, it was the most fabulous weekend on record. We didn't do anything but take each other in, and I'm left with the feeling that every trip to the grocery store would be that fun. I miss him way more than is fair.
I've never laughed so hard in bed, I've never felt so cared for, and I've never witnessed someone look at me the way he did, so it seemed everything was right there.
Since he's been gone, I've realized I would love to introduce him to everyone I know back home. I didn't get to tell him that last night. I've also realized I want to see him famous, he's definately cute enough to have a preteen following. I want to be able to buy a copy of Teen People to see pictures of him inside. When I heard his singing voice in the car on the way to the airport, I felt it.
You think you're not enough. You're wrong. You know how I'm always amazed when someone says they like my paintings, or that I'm a good writer? And I make that PFFT noise, because I don't feel like I'm good at anything? You get frustrated when I do that, when I don't believe you. I feel the exact same way you do. You're the last 1 minute and 41 seconds of "Lover, You Should've Come Over". That's exactly how you make me feel.