I can taste my hate, and it tastes just like you.
I'm exhausted by this.
I want it to die. I really, and truly do. It's not fair that I should take the full force of all of this shit for a mistake I made in judgement 9 months ago. Nine fucking months ago, and I couldn't begin to tell you all that's happened since then.
I've already been through all of this before, and it seems as though history is truly doomed to repeat itself.
This is so bad, I have people watching my diary for the times I'm away from the computer, to tell me if there's something awful waiting for me when I hit connect.
And I'm sorry it's coming out like this. I am. But, when you stop to think about it, was there really any other way it could? I mean, given the nature of the beast, could it really be discussed like adults over a phone? Could any of this happened at any other time?
See me. This is me trying to move on. And, I've tried so many fucking times, but it feels like this shit keeps coming up to bite me in the ass.
It's no one's God given right to mess with people. Keep thinking that's all it is, ease your mind, lord forbid anyone should take the blame for this but me.
I'm the psycho. I'm the fucking looney, crazy, stalker bitch. Yeah. Right.
And can you believe I'm still keeping things out? I'm still holding. I'm still guarding information like trump cards, afraid of losing bullets.
Shame on me for reacting. Shame on me for defending the last bit of sanity left. Shame on me for being human.
The more I sit and think about this, the angrier I get. The more I think:
You fucking pussy cunt asshole. Sitting back, doing not a goddamn thing. Watching me take the heat for everything you've done. Reading the unbelievable lies, and probably laughing a little inside. Fuck you, you prick. Fuck you that we're all suffering, that you can't just fucking come clean. Because I'm not the only one, and you fucking know it. She has the power to fucking destroy you, and all I've got is fucking rubber bands because I care about her. Because I'll try to do what she wants, because I believe that woman doesn't deserve the pain that any of this would have caused her. I'm taking the heat for HER, not for any kind of feelings of kindness for you.
You've put me in this position too many fucking times. Twice is too goddamn many. And, when the shit blew up the first time, I made the wrong decision. Don't you see what I'm doing? I'm in a place where I couldn't give a shit about you, or anything you have to say. Shit you not, I couldn't care less.
And you're going to pull your fucking magic tricks on her. Again. And, I'm watching it happen. She destroyed works of art for you. And you're not worth it. This is nothing. What I've been through, not in comparisson. It's so goddamn stupid, it makes me want to scream. She's worth so much more than your petty bullshit, and the scraps of time you so kindly throw to her, as though that could ever fix what you've done.
So, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
There's only one way to end this, and you know it. So fucking do it. And leave me the fuck alone.
. . .
I'm more of a man than you'll ever be. I'm not going to be scared away from this. I'm not going to be insulted into locking it, either. And, I'm going to sit here and take all the shit you can throw at me by leaving my comments functional.
Bring it. I'm going to go live my life.