No One.
For the first time in weeks, I woke up to a big fat goose egg in my in box. And normally, I would probably be a little hurt. Except that I know DiaryLand was down for a big chunk of time last night, um... around four hours, I'd venture to guess. (Andrew with his 90 minutes, am I the only one that thinks that man should have a better pager?)
The scary thing was that I caught Diaryland's IP at the bottom of the window, and I pinged it.
Yes. I opened up a DOS window, and I pinged it. But, see that way I knew it wasn't Andrew's fault, and I felt better about it.
That was mostly sad. I don't want to be a geek forever. Really.
. . .
I smoked so many cigarettes last night, I can barely smoke today. I hate it when that happens.
. . .
This box with the words in it broke 100 readers yesterday. I feel almost like I should give a speech, or something.
. . .
The funniest thing I heard yesterday, was something a friend told me over the phone. She said, "You know? Your personality just doesn't come through on the computer, or when you were in chat." Then, at some time in our conversation, we talked about my mom, and who did I think was more stable, my mom or I.
Naturally, I answered my mother. She's possibly just as emotional, but without the manic stuff. She doesn't get the super high highs, or the super low lows. But I think recently, maybe in the last month or so, I haven't been that high or that low. Sure, I get really sad, but never to the point I sleep all day, which is what I was doing. And that was a nice realization.
. . .
Yesterday I also realized that I'm waiting for some kind of answer from Him. The problem with that, is I don't know what the question is. But then, maybe I do. Which is really silly, because I already know the answer to that question. It's been pounded into my head for over a month.
I don't want a long distance relationship.
I guess, then, I don't have any questions that need answers. Though, he seemed to agree with me when I said he had some things to think over. Argh... I don't know.
The thing is, or my point was, that I don't feel the need to bother him about it. I really trust in him to know that when he comes up with something, he'll tell me. And, that's a nice feeling.
. . .
One the other hand, I worry constantly that he's just going to drop off the face of the Earth, just one day, never talk to me again. I'd like to blame a certain someone, but, he only served to bring it to my attention.
And that's why I have a hard time hanging up, and disconnecting. I'm afraid he's not going to be on the other line when I get back. I'm also afraid of sending the first email to someone, for fear I'll get nothing in return. Same reason I hate calling people without a guarantee they'll be at the other side of the phone.
Damn it. I really wish people would quit leaving me. It would be nice to have someone I wanted to actually make through with me. And, I'm not talking about friends here, though they've left me too. Just someone who will do what they say, really.
. . .
Sorry. That was really totally pointless. Something else you could have lived without: I'm getting in the shower and I will not be back until later.
Why am I checking in with a machine?