I'm not giving you my middle name.
There are more times than I care to count where I haven't been enough because of one letter.
I used to hate my name. I hated it my entire childhood, and even into my early twenties. When you have a common name, except spelled incorrectly, you get resentful towards people who spelled it right.
I was named after Carrie on Little House on The Prairie. And I think Carrie is a bit Irish, and my dad had a thing for Irish names.
But the reason my name is minus an R, is because of the rest of my name. The rest of my name is so riddled with double letters, my parents thought they were being kind by taking one out. Thus creating a child that was pissed she couldn't ever buy anything personalized because of it.
Carries didn't start playing parts in my life until my Junior year of high school. I had never known a sigle Carrie, Carey, Keri, Kerri, or Cari until then. And all of the sudden, there were three of us! People started calling me by my last name then, Harrell. Harrell this, Harrell that.
When I graduated, and moved, I went back to Carie. Then, when Bobby happened, I found out months after we became friends, that his wife's name was Carrie. My joke was always that if I had had that extra R, I would have been able to make it work.
Then I found out there was a Carrie in the chat room I used to frequent, and apparently, she played quite an important role in people's lives. A few times, my part and her part overlaped, though I could never replace her, I think sometimes people tried. She died some time before I ever came into the picture, which is another theme running here. Tragic, untimely disappearances.
Names are such an important thing, I think people forget that. It means much more to me, when someone I'm talking to uses my name. It means they aren't just talking to the wind, they're talking to me.
I'm a verb two ways. Carry and Care. I've always melted when people called me Care. My mother's side of the family uses Care. A few of the best friends I've ever had used it, and he snuck it in once in a quiet conversation. But, it's seldom heard. And, I never feel like I care enough, which is why I identify with carry more.
I'm carrying something, because the weight is sometimes more than I can handle. I just have no idea what it is.