Tuesday Night Music Club.
I live my life by a strict code:
No regrets.
However, my theories back up any choice I make, and justify nearly everything.
Today I decided I'm going to stop watching the news. I need to go back to my blissful ignorance until this blows over or becomes the fully realized nightmare.
I'm not a dumb person. I don't think I'm exremely smart, but I know I'm not dumb. So how does watching TV put me into such a panic that I want to force promises out of the people I love? I kept myself from calling people today because I'm so scared. Terrified really.
I sat on the couch and thought of all of the things I wanted to do before I die. I'm 26. I shouldn't be thinking these things, but the old fear comes back, and the rules I've lived so long by wake up.
I'm smoking a cigarette, watching a woman talk, listening to my grandmother whisper, "Any day now. We'll be going any day now", thinking, "I don't want to die."
I'm near to tears at the end of every broadcast. They hang in the back of my throat, like warnings. And I think of all of the hours that have piled into days that I wished I wasn't alive. I think of all the ways I've thought about doing it, and I think about all of the people I would have left behind. Finally, I think I really am dumb. I'm really stupid to ever spend a single second wanting for my demise. How undeniably retarded was it to spend all of that time doing that?
Then I rest on my one regret. The one thing I would change if someone said I could. The one thing I would take back.
I can't die, because I have to make that right.