More than my share.
This is one of those moments where I want to take back all of the good things I said today. Where I'm crying, and being short, and you're saying good night, talk to you tomorrow.
Today was one of those days when words would have been enough, one of those days when I didn't get any.
Your I miss you's cut straight to bone, and you're not here to watch my face fall.
Today was one of those days I wore my pants with pockets for some place to keep Kleenex, because there was no telling when the dams that are my eyelids would break.
You didn't know, because I didn't tell you. I'm going to bed translates into I don't care. I'll talk to you soon means I'll talk to you when I feel like it, when my life dictates. Goodnight, Carie equates to I don't have time for you.
But, you didn't know, because I didn't say.
I'll go to bed angry, and resentful I spent 2 hours watching this screen, my own private shrine, watching it flicker, waiting for you to come online, for the cue to call, to hear the soft baritone baby me for twelve dollars. Money I don't have to pretend you're in bed with me, to pretend you could do all of the things you can't.
Here they come again, and when my throat gets tight it's almost a comfort. This is want. This familiar feeling, it just will not go away.
Cosmo is crying, and this is the part where you're supposed to tell me to put him on the phone, and he doesn't listen, just rubs his face on the receiver as though it was your hand.
I do that too.